Turn a Nickel

Rev Billy Jack: It’s that time of year again! The All Stars need to come out and play. We have folks coming from all over the north half.

Flash: Yea, and?

Bandit: Watch your mouth. Show some respect.

Chief George Dan: What’s going on Reverend?

Rev Billy Jack: We raise money for kids in the orphanage in Mexico. We welcome anyone with the entry fee. Old man softball. First two days double elimination and then single until we have a champion. I try to get a business to put up the prize money and hopefully no old people die from over exertion.

Bubba Earl: Ain’t no body died yet, Billy Jack.

Rev Billy Jack: You came close last time. Best thing Darla did was replacing you with Pee Wee’s wife. That Susan is a heck of an athlete.

Chief George Dan: Old man softball?

Flash: Yes sir. Underhand slow pitch. He’ll let the girl softball players participate and they’ll beat us to death, both on the scoreboard and the field. Ha

Rev Billy Jack: It’s never been that bad. My All Stars have won a few over the years.

Bubba Earl: Yea, we were all young and dumb and in shape. I’m thankful that Susan, Darla and Alice play on our team. That way us professionals can sit on the bench and imbibe our favorite liquid.

Chief George Dan: Here’s my team’s entry fee and I’d like to put up the prize money if that’d be ok.

Flash: Why sure my friend, you surely can. Last time it was a thousand, five hundred and two fifty for first, second and third place. I can’t remember a time anyone ever keeps it though. We always donate back to the kids. Orphans got it tough enough so we help as much as we can.

Chief George Dan: That sounds like a plan.

A week later……..

Rev Billy Jack: We have to practice. Them the rules. My bride has filled the coolers with Gatorade and water. You keep them heathen drinks away from my cooler.

Flash: Yes, your highness, we’ll keep our likker away from the water.

Dawg: Merle Haggard said whiskey is for drinking and water for swimming. Don’t mix the two. That man was a visionary.

Bubba Earl: Ice is ok, though.

Pee Wee: Yea, for delicate flowers such as yourself.

Junebug: We can start, I’m here now! Ha

Flash: Where’s your sidekick?

Junebug: She’ll be along directly.

Bubba Earl: Did she buy that go fast car she’s been talking about?

Junebug: Candy apple red. Beautiful Corvette .

Dawg: Oh boy, Thelma and Louise ride again. I can’t wait for this sequel.

Junebug: I don’t think so. We have all grown up since then.

Flash: In the words of that noted philosopher, Jimmy Buffet, We have to grow old but we don’t have to grow up. I agree with that man one hundred percent. Hahaha

Junebug: Marlene says she drug you into adulthood kicking and screaming.

Dawg: You’re half right. He was kicking and screaming but he still ain’t grown up none.

Flash: I’m standing right here.

Rev Billy Jack: Quit standing right there then, dummy. Get out onto the field. As matter of fact all of you get out there and I’ll hit some balls to you.

Bubba Earl: Where’s the women folk?

Pee Wee: You blind? Junebug is right there.

Bubba Earl: I meant our brides.

Dawg: Alice will be along. She and Cathy took the demon dog to the vet. He’s getting old but still thinks he can tackle those ten wheel dump trucks.

Flash: Don’t need to be doing that. Cujo lost against the eighteen wheeler.

Bubba Earl: You taught him to read, that’s what got him in trouble. No coincidence it was a Tyson chicken truck that did him in.

Dawg: Leave it in the past, boys.

Belle: Hey everybody!

Bubba Earl: Hey the speed demon is here. What’s shakin, Thelma? Hahaha

Junebug: Be careful, they’re ready for you.

Belle: Got something for them they won’t see coming.

Bandit: Hey kids!

Flash: Come on out here, Mr Bandit.

Bandit: Nope, I have my lawn chair, my cooler and my shades. I’m the cheerleader for this team.

Dawg: I don’t know how you gonna look in a cheerleader outfit. Ha

Rev Billy Jack: Would you people please pay attention and shut it up. Here comes some pop ups!

An hour later…..

Flash: I’m too old for this.

Bubba Earl: Me too

Dawg: Me three.

Pee Wee: Y’all said marry a younger woman and you’ll always have her energy. I feel great. Ready to play the tournament right now.

Susan: You must’ve taken all my energy, I’m worn out. Is there a light beer in the cooler?

Bubba Earl: Light beer? What on earth is wrong with you girl?

Dawg: Shut up, biggen. She don’t know no better. Where she’s from they probably only have light beer. Her high school football team ain’t won a game in three years. That’s probably the reason. Ha

Susan: Hey now, be nice. It’s a 1-A school. Not a lot of quality athletes there, or really not enough athletes of any skill level there.

Flash: Want us to buy them some football players? The Catholic school up the road has some sure enough players.

Dawg: Ain’t got that kinda money. Besides, we gotta get in shape in less than a week, otherwise we won’t last but two or three games max.

Alice: Sorry we didn’t make practice. Cochise has a problem and he was none to happy about getting a shot. Cathy stayed home with him. We need to decide how to handle it.

Dawg: Oh man, alright let’s wait till we get home and talk about it.

One week later………

Dawg: Who did we get in the draw?

Rev Billy Jack: Dax’s Tire Mart, then Sunrise Bakery. Good ole boys in the first game and good ole girls in the second.

Sheryl Van Ance: My husband seems to think we should win these first two without breaking a sweat. But if you do sweat, I have refreshments at the snack bar. Remember, we’re raising money for the orphans. 100% goes to those babies.

Bubba Earl: You have Cokes and such like that?

Sheryl Van Ance: Yes we do. See you there.

Flash: Cokes and such? What on earth?

Bubba Earl: The women will want it for mixers. You know they don’t appreciate straight whiskey like we do. They are wine connoisseurs.

Dawg: Makes sense I guess. Hopefully, the Rev won’t figure that part out.

Rev Billy Jack: You sure you don’t want to play, Bandit? We could use you.

Bandit: Man, no. I’m looking after this here demon dog while little Ms. Cathy shows you old folks how to play plus, the entertainment value will be lost for me if I get out there and make a fool outta myself. So, thank you but no.

Alice: Remember, only water and dog snacks for my precious puppy. His stomach won’t heal up completely for another month.

Bandit: Yes mam, he’ll be fine with me.

Rev Billy Jack: What’s wrong with the mutt?

Dawg: The mutt had some kind of tear in his stomach lining. It was infected so surgery. We got lucky, the vet said another week and we’d wake up and find him dead one morning. Don’t want that and yes sir, I know death comes for all of us. I just don’t want it to show up before it’s time, is all.

Flash: Cujo Junior needs to keep on for at least another few years.

Bubba Earl: Ladies & Gentlemen, let’s play ball.

Rev Billy Jack: These old dudes are teeing off on me. What’d I give up last inning?

Flash: The score is now 15-12 them. You gave up seven runs, boss.

Rev Billy Jack: I’m batting second this inning. Hey Mickey, you take over at pitcher.

Sheriff Mickey the girl: You got it boss man!

Flash: Just get on base fat boy. We need some runs.

Bubba Earl: I got yo fat boy right here…

Darla: Hey now Sugar, get your head in the game!

Bubba Earl: I’ll show you how to hit. BOOM!

Alice: Wow! That ball cleared the fence by a country mile!

Donnie: Ain’t nothing to it. I’ll show y’all what a Marine and his bat can do!

Dawg: THIS IS MY BAT!

Flash: THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE!

Ronnie: WITHOUT MY BAT I AM USELESS.

Bandit: WITHOUT ME MY BAT IS USELESS!

Alice: What on earth are you crazy men doing?

Donna the Viking Chick: It’s a version of the Marine Corps prayer. Donnie loves doing this stuff.

Donnie: Hey catcher, tell your pitcher to put that backwards spin on the ball.

Catcher: Ok boss, you got it.

Ronnie: Holy smokes! That ball left in a hurry. And this game is tied up again. Rev, you up big dog. Ruff ruff.

Rev Billy Jack: Timeout! Mickey, come in and bat for me. My foot is hurting.

Mickey the girl: You need help walking?

Flash: Fat Lester! Quit trying to get busy with your girlfriend and come help the senior citizen.

Alice: Leave him alone! My goodness, your brother is hurting. Show some compassion.

Flash: Hey Dawg, come get the little woman.

Marlene: What did you just call her?

Darla: Excuse me? What?!?

Dawg: Uh oh, you done done it now, big boy.

Umpire: Would you people calm down. Come on little lady and bat.

Mickey the girl: Little lady? That’s Sheriff to you.

Umpire: Oh for a thousand pardons. In this case, Superior Court Justice Hastings to you. Now, get up here and bat, please.

Sheriff Mickey the girl: Yes, your honor.

Catcher: *giggles”

Bubba Earl: That’s a double! Great hitting. Ok Cathy, show’em what you got!

Alice: Ok Bubba Earl. We need one to tie and two to win. Bases loaded and two outs. Never lost a first game. So no pressure big guy!

Ronnie: Bubba Earl! You stink!

Donnie: Hey blind man at the plate! Haha

Flash: Don’t strike out, that’d be embarrassing.

Dawg: No pressure. Remember that time in peewee ball when you struck out and we lost the championship? Yea don’t do that! Haha

Alice: Would you idiots shut up?!?

Umpire: With friends like that, you don’t need enemies, hoss.

Catcher: I kinda feel bad for you. If you make an out, I’ll feel better. What’d you say?

Bubba Earl: BOOM! Grand slam! I’m awesome!

Dawg: You go!

Flash: Whoo-ooo

Junebug: I told you he’d get it done! Give me my fifty.

Belle: I gotta learn not to bet with you.

Rev Billy Jack: Alright, ten minutes before next game. The ladies of Sunrise Bakery won their opening game by sixteen runs. They put the smack down on the guys from the VFW.

Ronnie: I bet the VFW boys drank more.

Donnie: I figured that went without saying.

The next game didn’t go well for the All Stars. The ladies won by run rule. It’s was twenty to nothing before the team even scored. Bubba Earl hurt his shoulder, Dawg’s knee swole up, Flash just ran out of energy which had been a problem since his bad wreck. Ronnie and Donnie drank like it was an Olympic sport. Alice tried to rally the troops and she almost did. The AllStars became all women plus Fat Lester. This group put fifteen runs on the board but alas it wasn’t enough. They won the next three games to make it to the single elimination day two. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough, it was short-lived. The second game of the day was the rematch with Sunnyside Bakery. Those ladies snuffed the championship hopes by a resounding 18-5 score.

Flash: We’re officially old.

Marlene: What do you mean, we?

Darla: Speak for yourself.

Dawg: Flash is old, broke down and just barely hanging on.

Alice: Honey! That’s your brother, don’t say that.

Ronnie: I agree. Y’all older than dirt. Maybe we’ll be better playing flag football in three weeks.

Bubba Earl: Flag? Why for?

Rev Billy Jack: Raising money for a camp for at risk youths.

Dawg: Cool. We’ll all play except for Flash. He’ll probably be getting a new hip or something. Whatever the aged get these days.

Flash: I swear, the love I feel from you guys.

Junebug: You’ll be happy to know we managed to get an interview for Cathy to join the travel softball team this summer. It’s a showcase team. College coaches will be able to see and croot them. Only with your permission Alice.

Dawg: What about what I want?

Belle: You want what she wants.

Dawg: Yea, that’s true.

Flash: Alrighty then, everyone head to the house. We’ll cook out and enjoy the glow of finishing in eighth place. Ha

Belle: Come on Alice, check out my new Vette. It’s prettier than that old car your husband drives.

Fat Lester: Watch out, she drives like a maniac.

Belle: I do not!

Flash: Remember in college when her and Junebug acted like Thelma and Louise?

Bubba Earl: That’s a great story…

For another day

Until next time.